He says he’s a “bad” person.. Help!!
I’ve been talking to this Pisces guy for a few months now, I’d say probably mid-November. At first, I always had a mini crush on him but I was pursuing this Virgo male so, I never reacted on my feelings for him because I respected this Virgo man and was in love with him. So after this Virgo man and I stopped talking to each other, I decided to get to know this Pisces guy more. The first time we “spoke” was when I dm’ed him on Instagram regarding a surprise party a friend and I were throwing for a girl he knows (he used to go to middle school with her) and he responded so quickly but said he couldn’t make it because he has two jobs and told me to tell her that he’s sorry and so I told him not to worry about it and not to beat himself up for it. This was August of 2017.
Now, fast forward, November— I added him on snapchat and we’ve been communicating since. When I added him, he viewed my story quickly and I noticed he posted a story cradling his newborn baby sister and I LOVE kids so I sent it back to him and we started communicating like that. I’ve done a couple of favors for him such as giving him a lyft to go to school twice and after a track meet, ordering him food once. We’ve never met before and I’ve brought the topic of meeting a few times but, he’s always working or he always has track practice or meets and on top of that, he has three younger siblings: the newborn, a 2 year old brother, and a pre-teen aged sister. Our conversations are always interesting, we connect on music, art, and just deep topics (we’re both pisces; i’m a pisces female). In the middle of us talking, we’ve exchanged a few jokes, and we’d ask each other questions about one another. There was a time when he was working late so, I offered to help him with his homework because I felt bad and I just genuinely wanted to help him (he’s an A and B student and I’m a straight A student so we both take our academics seriously).
However, when I offered to help him, I kind of was flirtatious because the conversation was going so well so I felt bold I guess you could say. I told him: “okay handsome, since you’re working late and I have nothing to do, i want to help you with your homework because i know how tired you’ll be” and he took a while to respond, he was in the chat for about 3 minutes before he responded telling me that he doesn’t want to lead me on because he feels that i want more than a friendship and he’s just not thinking of a relationship right now so, I told him that I understand and that i’m not exactly trying to rush into something right now but i do like him and i think he’s a great person.
My friends are always talking about how friendly he is and just how good he is as a person in general. He hit one of my friends up (they used to go to school together and she occasionally takes pictures of him since she loves photography) I guess after that incident and told her that I was being too affectionate and it scared him a bit but, we’ve gotten closer over text after that incident and i’ve limited my flirtatious texts. He’s sent me videos of himself and a video of his baby brother, which melted my heart. He’ll even ask me how my day is, how my mood is, and if I went somewhere, he’ll ask how that went (I went on a class trip a few days ago and he asked). Sometimes he’ll respond fast like in seconds or a few minutes tops but other times he’ll take a while, whether it’s a few hours (if he’s at work or at a meet). I send him good luck texts before a meet and he always thanks me.
An example of him being sweet would be when he was supposed to go to a concert in December (his favorite artist came to New York) but the day of the concert, I sent him a mini message telling him to enjoy himself and have fun and to send me snaps and he opens it in seconds, telling me that he can’t go anymore due to “Family stuff” and offered me his ticket. I couldn’t go because I had work so, we just spoke and I realized that the artist was coming back in a few weeks so I sent him screenshots of ticket prices and he tells me that he won’t be able to go for a while because of the family stuff but tells me “thank you so much”.
Talking to him has become a daily routine but, he posted a Snapchat asking who wants to FaceTime him weeks ago and I responded but, he didn’t give me his number. Then, when I ordered him food, i wanted to see if he’d finally give it to me so I asked once again and he said to just tell him when the food arrives and so i asked him if there’s a specific reason to why he won’t give me his number and he said he just doesn’t feel comfortable giving his number out like that and i told him that i understand but it’s not like we’re complete strangers. So yesterday, I expressed my feelings to him because he gave me his SoundCloud name so I can listen to his playlist and this song came on and it made me think of him and how I feel about him.
So, I send him a paragraph expressing myself but he tells me that he just can’t be in a relationship and tells me that I’m looking for a heart that’s not there. He proceeds to tell me that he’s a bad person and that he does bad things such as hurt people and he’s a player. I tell him to elaborate on how he hurts people but he doesn’t. I tell him that he isn’t a bad person— because he’d send me videos of himself and once, a video of his little brother and once, I was talking to him while he was taking his sister out to target to go Christmas shopping— i told him that i don’t believe he’s a bad person and that he has a big heart and obviously cares about other people. I also tell him that i know he isn’t bad from what I hear about him.
Whenever his name is mentioned, no one ever has anything negative to say about him. They’re always saying how nice and chill he is. I also tell him i know through his music because his playlist has songs about love and heartbreak so I can sense that maybe that’s a sensitive topic for him. I also brought that up asking if he’s ever been heartbroken before and he brushed off the topic by sending laughing emojis and insisting that I’m asking too many questions and saying no he hasn’t.
He told me that I don’t want him because of how bad he is and has been ignoring my messages ever since last night. However, has been posting on snap this morning but deleted the snaps. We haven’t met yet and I really want to meet him but he’s just always busy but now, it feels like that’ll be an even harder task to accomplish because of the way he’s speaking and acting to me. It’s like his personality switched and he was a completely different person when he was speaking to me yesterday and I hated it. I don’t believe he’s the bad person that he thinks he is, I think he’s being too hard on himself. I really like him. I need advice please.
My general thought is usually if the person is really that into you then they will make time for you. With that in mind, based on what you wrote it sounds like in many ways he is creating this imagery of himself of being say stressed yet kind hearted. This might not be the ideal analysis you are hoping for but it is very inconsistent in many ways for someone to show you all those videos of like his little brother which would normally demonstrate trust but at the same time you say he won’t give you his number. In my mind with that circumstance odds are he knows how to butter you up per se which is what I would be thinking.
Kind of reminds me of like those long distance relationships where one person has never seen the other and every time the person wants to meet the person always has an excuse. Usually something is wrong in scenarios like that. For your situation it almost feels like you meeting him or whatever would maybe show something such as during the times he says he is busy he really isn’t. Essentially you getting his number technically brings you closer of course while at the same time brings you closer to seeing what his life really is like which he doesn’t want at the moment. That is different than someone being emotionally scared to go forward as an example.
In situations like this I personally feel if you really want to get to know him you kind of have to be passive about it too and analyze the facts. For example, you mentioned he kind of backs off when you ask about past relationships. That can be because of a hurtful past event or at the same time it could be skeletons in the closet too. Basically try and find consistencies when it comes to values through other means when a person is being that evasive to answering questions because things like a music list or published videos can be a very controlled way to portray an image.
For example, for the work/job that he does find out why he does it and what he loves and hates about it. If someone starts talking about how he despises a co-worker and wishes extreme negativity towards them you can start thinking how does that make sense with your current portrayal of his character? If he says someone has hurt him really bad when you start asking who they are and where they are from do they all of a sudden get evasive? All these little details can tell you so much.
On the flipside let’s assume he has low self-esteem then the general solution is to usually just think of something that you actually genuinely need, in a non-romantic way, where even he knows he is the guy that can help you with that. In either situation this can be the bridge to establish the communication and to eliminate that excuse of sorts where the person says they aren’t good enough. Just remember to keep an open mind in analyzing everything and the possibilities that can come out of that.