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Pisces husband

pisces man confusing

Tbull Asks:

My Pisces husband of 17 years whom I have two children with has been having an affair for the last few months with a foreign woman as he is currently deployed there. He has fallen madly in love with this woman and has turned his back on me and the children. He “forgets” birthdays and holidays….did not even send Christmas gifts to the kids.

And gets angry when told what he has done wrong or being irresponsible. This is so out of character for him as he has always been a family man type of guy. I’m still in shock! The woman he is having an affair with and wants to marry is about 10 years younger and cannot even speak English…I’m not exactly sure what is going on in his head but he is due back next month and I’d like to know if I can look forward to his attitude still remaining cold and hard or is there a chance he could come back to himself once away from her and back to familiar ground. Please help! Thanks.

Tbull,

Just to note that in thinking about this I am going with the mindset that there is actually nothing physically wrong with him as a result of his work or he is somehow being forced to do all this. Exaggerated example would be head trauma or something where people now have a lifelong memory loss kind of thing or he got blackmailed for some reason.

With that in mind my initial feeling with what you wrote is that he has actually been “unhappy” for a very long time to the point where he doesn’t care. He has just been hiding it per se as the social responsibly of being the family man and the image of it is important. That all would make perfect sense to me why he is having such a crazy affair with this woman out of nowhere in your mind while getting angry at you for telling him what he is doing is wrong.

It makes sense where if he was keeping this thing together say for the kids and family in his mind he has been sacrificing himself every day for it. So when you tell him what he is doing is wrong when he is enjoying those moments it creates that emotion to want to tell you off not because of what he is doing now but for all the other stuff.

Not saying that is morally or ethically right of course but that all makes perfect sense to me in that way. Imagine if all he wanted was the good and no responsibility. Basically him being with that woman who can’t even speak English means there is no emotional effort I guess you can say. I don’t know what her motivation is of course but for the sake of trying to understand the situation it makes sense in that way to me.

Of course the million dollar question is what you should do. Ultimately I think it’s about discovering how long he has been unhappy and why as to me he clearly hasn’t been happy for a very long time. These things don’t just happen out of nowhere I always say. Another way to think of it too is that he is in a mindset where he will simply not care to make you mad so you take the step in breaking it off so he doesn’t feel like he is to fully blame as you wanted it too per se.

I think the only real neutral way to go about with it is to ask him what he wants and why. Telling him how he should be will only create that tension I feel. This way you can at least get answers to a certain extent and analyze that. This might not be a popular item too given the situation, but constructively analyzing why and how he ended up with that lady can tell a lot too in terms of things like his needs and desires. Ultimately it is up to you of course.

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  • Thank You so much this helps me to better understand. I think he was unhappy, this is what he has said but I mean that military lifestyle him being away so much was hard for all of us but I didn’t run out and cheat when things got tough. I know the demise and unhappiness is partly my fault as well though but I’m not to blame for all the problems in his life and everything bad like he says. He now wants to divorce so he can hurry up and marry this escort woman…I know he is blinded by love but as I have talked with this woman whom knows nothing about him nor him her, I really feel like she has an agenda. I’m not sure what but I don’t think it is love. I think she is putting on a face and fooling him because he was vulnerable. His mind is gone over this woman but knowing that she is an escort and free spirit, he seems so trusting of her when that is not his character at all. I know they havent spent alot of time together but I do feel like he has more feelings than she does for him. He comes back next month and I am really concerned because I feel we need to be civil for the children. I have tried being nice and understanding and we even had the heart to heart. The thing is I still feel through all the anger he has toward me that he still loves me and is not sure what he’s done really. It’s like he tries to hurt me specifically to get a reaction even by using the children to accomplish that but deep down I know he’s not this monster he is pretending to be. I’m not sure why she came about because at the time he started this affair even though we were apart we had just spent time together as a family the month before and everything was really good between us even after he left. We were joking and happy like teenagers in love again which continued all through the time he deployed 3 months later. She apparently came in the middle of this right before he deployed. I’m just not sure how to approach or deal with him anymore. Obviously I will have to because of the children but at this point it’s like he wants to write us all off and start this whole different life over there with her. He shuns the kids and lies to them or says mean things to them like he’s better than us now. His ego is very massive right now and that is part of the issue as well. He was always humble before but I guess being in Japan and being catered to has gone straight to his head. I really feel that he will run back over there after this last year he has left until he retires. I wish there were just a way he would think logically about all of this. I really don’t think he cares like you said, he doesn’t see it as him losing everything he sees it as freedom and not having to be responsible anymore as you describe. It’s sad all around. But what is the best way for me to interact with him now? I don’t want to argue or fuss, don’t want to hear who did what or right or wrong….I feel all of that should have been addressed a long time ago now it makes no difference to sling mud. At this point we can’t even have a decent interaction his tone is even so negative on the phone or text so what can I possibly do to help to change this anger and hatred he has toward me? It’s still crazy when I think about it because he didn’t start being hateful like this to me until I found and contacted her and got the proof I needed for court from her, so I’m guessing that plays a huge part in it as well probably. I’m just focusing on being civil and not nasty in this with him and hoping he can do the same at some point…sooner rather than later would be nice after all he’s the one who did me wrong.

  • Tbull
    Hi again. Sorry for dropping in like this, but im really feeling a lot for u as I have been traumatised too recently by my pisces flame. Although Alan will have better foresight in this matter, but there’s is only one thing that i feel u should do when he returns. That is you should move to another home and leave your current family home along with your children. I don’t know why but I feel that encountering him at this stage or even trying to reconcile will not help you at all. In my opinion by your moving out you will be rightly giving him time and space to consider his emotional stautus regarding his new love. But meanwhile you should be keeping in mind probable possibility of him leaving you and chosing the other woman. This will save you from feeling much pain once he is seperated from you in case. I don’t know why I have a feeling that in such sudden and altered status of someone’s mind, you can’t force him/her to do anything against his/her will. Only time teaches or can change their minds back to normal or what is right for them.

  • You ultimately have the best knowledge of your situation to determine the best course of action. For example, I don’t personally understand in detail what you felt you did if anything to drive him over the edge as an example. Like there I would imagine if you are 100% confident you never did anything to push him away, he is 100% “crazy” here then the choice should be pretty straight forward I feel. But again you would understand that better than me.

    Let’s improvise a scenario here based on what you told me. Let’s say he was someone who felt the flame was lost in the relationship. He expressed needs and wants which you didn’t really know or wanted to cater to. So all this time he was actually finding other means in life fill in this void. It’s completely oblivious to you because he didn’t share whatever this was. All these years you thought he was just content with you saying no to him.

    As he went overseas he now lost whatever this thing was. He’s not getting it from you either so emotionally he is like an addict searching for more. As he struggled with it he actively went searching for a solution and found this girl. For her this is an opportunity to use a vulnerable person where she can get what she wants out of him whereas for him he gets what he wants and sees it as a way out of what he hates about his current situation. It’s the perfect double life in a way for him as it’s all about getting the “fix” while still maintaining the life.

    Now you eventually discovered all this which you of course condemn him for it. Think of it like an addict again where it’s like you now wanting to take away the drug from him. Of course they are going to fight back and not think of the long-term. How would you approach the situation here? Again, you should understand the details better than me to make a decision as to how to approach it. I would imagine if the essence of the situation is accurate from what I said then you shouldn’t try to do it alone should you choose the path of trying to get into his head.

    I would say what he really needs like most “addicts” is someone or something to relate to. He needs to feel “safe” to honestly express what he is truly thinking and feeling as by the sounds of it in his mind you aren’t that safe source and haven’t been for a long time I would imagine. At the same time, you know him better than I do as I always say everyone is different based on life experiences. If you are saying he is extremely manipulative with a history of doing this to others then I would say run and run fast. If not then I would say the constructive step is learn what this space is and give it to him to unlock everything.

  • I’m not sure, I know he was unhappy and very stressed from work too. He never told me until after but I can look back and see it because of the arguing over bills and kids and I guess that coupled with always being separated just made it inevitable. I wish he could have told me or handled it in a better way than he did. I would think after 17 years you could at least be honest with that person! I don’t know if they are using each other, he says he’s happy with her and she’s def not letting him go either. The thing I don’t understand is turning his back on the kids and seeming to pretend like we don’t exist. Like an out of sight, out of mind thing but I mean eventually he has to come back and face it all. It’s really like you said a double life honestly. He’s really not with us though, physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. He’s with her. I’m not trying to push him further toward her bc he tells me that my nagging(aka holding him responsible) is what is pushing him further away from me. We def need to address many, many things regardless of the outcomes bc we have children together. We can’t even seem to have a civil conversation on anything at all. I feel like I’m trying and he’s just being nasty and hurtful right now just because. His tone is always angry and annoyed toward me. We have kids so we will have to come to a place of being cordial eventually I suppose. I would think that after all he’s done he could at least be a little nicer to us. How can he just feel no remorse or pain though, how can he just not feel bad about any of what he did? He’s mad toward me yet he’s the one who cheated and lied…I’m not understanding this either. I understand why it happened and how….we both were at fault for what led to it. We both are at fault for the demise of the marriage yes but I mean to just add more problems on top of what was already there? It’s just the little details like that that baffle me and are so bizarre bc he wasn’t like that before. He loved his children more than anything. He didn’t even tell this girl he had any kids. I’m just not sure but I don’t want to even try to get in his head at all. I just wish he would tell the truth and put all of the nastiness and drama to rest and stop running from the situation and the truth. Nothing about this is normal…how can you jump into a serious relationship with a person when you are married and not out of that committed relationship. Maybe she was his out as you say but I mean isn’t it normal to get a divorce then date or enjoy the single life a bit THEN get into a serious relationship? Especially after being tied down for 17 years already. I want to talk to him face to face but not if its going to be like it is now so I’m just wanting to know if there is any possibility of him being any different in a face to face atmosphere I guess.

  • You kind of have an intertwining question and answer I think. Where you ask you don’t understand how he can feel no remorse you also mentioned you know exactly what led to this in a sense. I don’t know the details but you do where I would imagine with that detail it should make sense in regards to why he eventually did it. The moral question of it is a different category.

    As I mentioned it’s more than likely he has been doing whatever it was for years where you were simply oblivious to it. Unless there is literally something physically or mentally wrong with him people don’t usually just change like that out of nowhere as it’s usually more like they chose to show you a specific side only. Being together 17 years doesn’t automatically negate that detail I feel because it could have been 17 years of hiding it too per se.

    An important point too I think is that you are not him and so trying to view his personality and morals based directly on your own just adds confusion for yourself I would say. Just base things on the facts even though this is an emotional scenario as best as you can. Just as a general personal example like I told people here it’s like asking how is it that my best childhood friend before essentially lied and stole from me? Does he not have a conscious? How can people throw away that many years of friendship?

    Like there if I kept basing his personality and values as if everyone is like me I would go crazy trying to think of the answers. Instead when I step aside and just look at the facts it becomes crystal clear. For example, this guy has always been like that and when I looked at the facts of history on what he did to others it makes perfect sense. You know the details best of course for your situation to put together facts in a similar way.