Mixed signs of (non)attraction. How to read those?

Curious_lady Asks:

Ok. First of all, I would have never done this, but you my friend (Alan) are simply amazing, so am really interested to hear your thoughts on a situation I am finding myself currently in. Thus, one year ago I met a pisces man when I started my new job. We became colleagues. After a month or so there was some sort of attraction, but it may be that none of us was really good in expressing it properly. He knew I admire his work and I think he likes that I am an extrovert and was adding to his jokes. Nevertheless, there were few hints that I would like your opinion on.

Thus, we were often hanging out with a group of mutual friends, but one hint that was often coming up at these gatherings was that he was showing some interest (often through jokes and questions) over my love/relationship status at that time. However, those were very little hints which maybe were not even relevant. For example, once I was suggested by one of the colleagues that I should fall in love, to which suggestion I replied with: ‘Thank you, I am all set there’, and the pisces guy then leaned towards me and asked: ‘what, what?’, after which I argued about how love did not exist and all of us had some discussion over the issue of rationality of love and the socially constructed concept of monogamy (don’t ask).

I have also noticed him sometimes looking at me and following my reactions with more than a staring look. Then, few times he showed explicit interest and even tried to be intimate with me, however, by that time I was about to leave to another continent for half a year, so both of us acted very awkward. Now I am back to the office, but he is away, thus I haven’t seen him. He is supposed to come to the office at some point soon, so I want to know what I can eventually expect. The problem I have with his eventual ‘interest’ is that in the same time he acts very cold, so I am the one who needs to implicitly push him and be resistant in it, in order for him to show interest.

While I was away we barely exchanged three sentences in total. When we meet he is very cold often and then at some points he is very interested, even pushy sometimes (by sometimes trying to convince me to come to a party at a colleague’s place even though I had been showing resistance to show up). I have some ideas about what his intentions towards me are, but I would not drag you into my thoughts.
Instead, I would love to hear from you what is your opinion on the situation, and especially your opinion over his intentions towards me (i.e. does he like me for more than a friend with benefit, or am I just some ego boost for him, is he insecure or maybe uncertain of what he wants or who he wants, or maybe he just wants to enjoy few options he might eventually have when it comes to girls, etc.)? I know that I have provided very little information, but anything of your thought will be more than welcome. Thank you.

Curious_lady,

Based on what you wrote it sounds like he is physically attracted to you but at the same time feels there is a huge risk in directly pursuing you. That could range from things such as professional awkwardness if a relationship doesn’t work out or that somehow things not working out with you would translate to his likeness/bachelorhood rating to extremely go down.

You writing that he is cold at times yet very pushy in trying to get you to go to a party sort of emphasizes more about that interest and fear I feel. Things like that party setting is safer for him to try and get closer with you as there are dozens of directions to go incase he feels it isn’t working out. Big difference than going on a one on one date. A funny way of thinking about it is imagine a person really wanting to kiss or hug you because he likes you but is scared to death for whatever reason. Since in a new year’s party setting hugging and kissing is kind of an acceptable social activity to celebrate it the person would then be very insistent that you go to the party.

I think the fact that you barely exchanged three sentences while you were away isn’t as relevant as other factors such as how fast did he respond if you initiated the conversation or did he try in any way to continue the conversation? If what I wrote above is true being “cold” is just the safest way to handle it.

So what to expect now you say? By the sounds of it the cycle will most likely continue unless you specifically want to test things to evaluate interest and relationship potential. If you are concerned as to whether or not he is only trying to get into your pants, as strange as it may sound I would be inclined to say physical flirtation with you as the initiator in this case would tell a lot too. Example, in a lot of cases if it is purely a physical thing the person would jump on that signal right away whereas a person serious about a long-term relationship would be more cautious about it.

It sounds like in your case a simple way to find out is to create events with your other colleagues that interest you where it is an open invitation for anyone to go and see if he shows up. But overall, so far my interpretation is he wants to be with you but can’t see it lasting very long. Therefore, it’s like a mindset of would it be worth it?