How to get over someone?
Hi Alan I was wondering if you could give me advice on something not necessarily pertaining to anything piscenean. Here goes I have never been as engrossed in someone in my life as I am with this one persom. My rational self has every reason to tell me I should lose hope because they are happy in another relationship and he has a higher stature but nothing in my life feels as good or uplifting than the thought that something could happen between us.
We worked together, he was my boss in a way, and we had good chemistry together almost like some unspoken tension, but he gets along with everyone so I don’t know if I was just picking up something that wasn’t there at all. Anyways I felt like I got to know him and he got to know be in a distinct level from any of my other coworkers and the weird thing is that it’s happened all through a series of non-verbal communication, we have spoken a few times of course but a lot of it consisted of silence, sometimes this comforting silence or sometimes this nervous-filled silence.
Again I always end up doubting myself if it’s all in my head but I can’t imagine feeling what I am feeling without it being mutual. Well he happened to get transferred and I don’t know how to get over him. I don’t know if I should disregard everything that was there I don’t know if I should live in hope that one day I’ll see him again, I don’t know if I have let my mind get carried away into something that was never there or if I have giving him the credit to be something he really isn’t.
I just can’t stop thinking about him. From the moment I sleep to the moment I wake up I always imagine him laying next to me. I feel something in him that is worth so much, it’s just a feeling and I can’t put it into words. It’s like a deep admiration yet I don’t feel less than him. I just don’t know if I should forget him completely or hold on to something, I don’t know what’s better. I don’t want to forget about him because he was really great, but I need to focus more of my energy on myself right now, I just can’t he always ends up creeping up on my mind. Any suggestions?
I personally feel things like this fundamentally comes down to you are missing something in life where you feel this person is the replacement for it. That’s the tricky part as to get over it as you say means you need to understand yourself and exactly what this is. It’s like the saying on how you can’t solve a problem if you don’t acknowledge or own up that there is one in the first place.
I am just going out on a whim here based on what you wrote, but you mentioned one of the reasons you seem “intimidated” by the notion that you could ever be with a person like him is because he has a higher stature than you yet you still in a sense fantasize being with a person like that. Why is that? There is something about the guy’s life/personality that deep inside I feel you aspire to obtain as well. In these cases for many people though it’s usually easier to get this sense of feeling from say living precariously through someone else or having them in your life. It automatically gives you that sense of security. This is as opposed to you like say working to develop the confidence yourself to get to that point where you can feel that you are on the same level. Just to keep in mind you mentioned there are factors like he is taken already so I would say it’s healthier to consider that out of reach in that case.
Again, I am just going on a whim for the sake of example but like there I would imagine that maybe in your life in general you have confidence issues in truly being yourself in-front of others. Therefore, you are like torturing yourself as all you want to be is yourself and be appreciated/loved for who you are afterwards. So how this relates with this guy is that I would say he hit a right button with you in a sense of in some ways maybe making you believe in yourself to be the best you can be and that you are good just the way you are without the need of trying to be someone else. It’s kind of related too in a sense where often for a person to genuinely care and inspire you to be the best they have to be attentive to you and your feelings. But that is also where you can easily mix up the intent of “care” versus “love”.
In my personal opinion the best way to “overcome“ this is to live life more as I would be inclined to say you simply haven’t experienced life enough outside of what you are used to. Just for the sake of example again, stereotypically for a guy when they see a “physically beautiful” woman they start saying things like they can’t get her out of their head as there is no one that looks like them and that there is no one they can ever have a person like that. If they themselves reached to a point where they know they are beautiful too would they be intimated by this you think?
Or let’s pretend he all of a sudden started to live life in ways where he has now actually associates with like thousands of woman who he would classify as “beautiful.” Most likely there it would change his perspective of physical beauty and his attachment to it in a sense. So that would be the most straight forward answer I say. Basically understand yourself and experience life more. Learn to be yourself. Surround yourself with more people that you can naturally and authentically talk to as your true self and all too.