Reader Questions

How to approach

purple flower bunch pisces

Maddy Asks:

Hi Alan

Thanks for all your efforts.
BackGround: I am 40 year Virgo-Scorpio, working, married and he is 35 year Pisces, working married. I have been married for 14 years with one son and he for 7 years with 3 kids. We both met in our executive weekend education program.

I am quiet girl, does not talk much with a very possessive and controlling husband. He is a very popular guy in the class. Even though we have facility to stay back in the college during the weekend nights, I go home after classes so I can tend to my family. He stays back in the college and heard he had many friends and tend to have lot of fun.

As a part of program we can choose to go for one 2 weeks and one 4 months exchange program to other countries. I chose both of them because I felt I am losing control on my life and need to explore more. The entire first year as I said I did not converse much, I did not notice him. He is also part of 2 weeks program, in that country, for small tease of mine, he got angry and stopped talking to me. I asked him if I hurt him he said “no but I am like that” but became silent around me. But I can see he is attracted to me and in due course noticed that I myself attracted to him too.

Came back from the exchange program and I can feel that he is hitting on me so hard. Usually in our country married woman are not even given a second glance. And I have to say I started responding not by word but by body language. I could not hide my feelings. One day he looked so deep into my eyes, I just could not take my eyes off him. After a week of that moment I wrote a mail intended to myself saying that I am not able to escape from the strong connection I feel from him but at the same time not intended to do anything about it. Instead of saving I clicked on Send. I was crushed and panicked. I did not go to college for 2 weeks scared. After 2 weeks I went to college and I can see him stressed out. After that I wrote him a msg saying that it is a drunken mistake and does not mean anything. He said ok. That’s it. I tried my best to avoid everyone and used to escape from college to home imm after classes. He also cooled off and before I went on for my 4 month exchange I wrote him a msg thanking for not making it a scandal by sharing with all and how it would have affected my marriage, sent him a gift. Last day I can see he is very sad.

Except for msgs in the class wats up group I did not had any contact with me after that. after 2 months, I saw a msg in class watsup group saying that he has signed a big deal. So I wrote him a private msg saying that I am happy for him. No reply for that msg from him for 4 weeks. After that I got a feeling that he is angry and hurt, sent him a series of msgs (around 7 in 4 days I think) saying how it is true that I fell for him, about my marriage (that my husband is a good person, great father and we drifted apart because we are different but that does not mean it is ok to fell for a married man ) and sorry I am to led him on. No reply from him. I am desperate to have some kind a response. So I sent him a slightly insulting message saying what kind of rubbish all this, it is like banging my head against a wall and if he does not want me to write just say STOP. I got a reply from him – STOP. I replied to that saying that this is going to be my last mail, explained how I felt strong feeling on that day when he looked into my eye and I am not tease and that me giving signals is done as I fell from him. I said I have been insulted and said good bye.

Came back to home country and decided not to go to college any more. Now there is another guy posting little disrespectful msg against pisces guy and it seems this guys also likes me. Then 2 things happened. one is in the class watsup group, some one commented negatively on my post and pisces guy defended me. I did not say anything. Other guy posted very degrading remark about pisces guy. I could not take it. I sent a private msg to pisces guy saying that I dont care what people think about me and asked him to defend himself if they are bullying him on my name. See we both are form different communities and people cannot take this kind of allegiance kindly. No reply from him. He did not respond to bully but posted some happy msgs.

I met him on the convocation day after almost 6 months. I said hello and all he did is stared into my eyes speechless for more than mnt and walked away.

After convocation I sent a group mail to the class saying that it is not in the right attitude to do mean remarks (did not mention the remark directly).

About 4 weeks back pisces guy left the class watsup group. He is not such a kind of person. He likes to have so many friends. I could not imagine why he left the group. I am scared to ask anyone for reason. is it because I said that I dont care about the class? After 2 weeks I also left the group. Anyway now course is over.

Now Alan, can you explain his behavior ?

One thing I noticed is, after I sent that last mail to him from onsite where I mentioned the moment he looked into my eye (it happened during a session), he didnot reply to me. But in the class whats group he mentioned that session again and again on some pretext. For what purpose I don’t know. Does he want me to display my feelings in front of every one so people does not think it is a #metoo kind of thing. I didnot talk to anyone about my feelings xcept to him. But I can see that whole class knows that he likes me. Like girls give me weird looks etc.

He is a nice guy. Those kind of guys are to be protected and cherished. I dont want to behave as if it is just a small incident in my life and ignore him completely as if he does not exist so I can be safe.

Maddy,

I was having a little difficulties trying to understand some of what you wrote but from what was written to me it sounds like he doesn’t want anyone having any thoughts or ideas that he may even be remotely interested in another person. This would make sense as he is married and it would be a frowned upon item to show some kind of attraction or interest in another woman.

But from what you wrote though there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete for me personally to say he wanted to pursue say a relationship with you. Most of the points seem to indicate that he is actively trying to keep a distance from you. That doesn’t mean a person isn’t say attracted to you. But it seems like he is semi set in not wanting to go any further with you at this time for whatever reason.

This would make sense with the points you wrote such as him being attacked where you told him to defend himself but he just kind of ignored it. He is essentially trying to distance himself from having an association of sort with you. Because him replying to you or then acting on what you suggested would imply that there is some kind of relationship between you two. It would make sense too why he would ignore you or do the opposite of what you suggested.

At most you could say he likes you in some ways but wants to keep it under wraps where the bottom line is he doesn’t want you and him looking like an item together as even a possibility.

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3 Comments

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  • Alan
    I have taken your advise. Stayed no contact. About 6 months back, I noticed he closed his linkedin account. I dont know why ? and I find it weird and worried as he just completed his course and need that account for Jobs. I sent him a whatsup msg asking – How is he and his family doing ? (My intention of mentioning his family is to show that I am just seeing him as friend) He didnot reply but blocked me on whatsup. I just could not understand why he did that. Anyways I got hurt thinking that he thought that I might hurt him some way, I closed my all my social media except linkedin and maintained no contact. But I keep checking if he is on linked in.. but he still is not. What do you think, if I send him the following msg, can he atleast understand and reply . Pls advise
    ************************
    S – Why are you so adamant with me ? What is so bad in me that you don’t want to reply. What possible harm can I do to you ? Should I feel powerful that you think I can harm you? Why do you think that your life is soo superior to mine that your lose will be more than mine ?I build my life with my own hands, gracefully, mind you. Or is it your way of saying to me that you are angry with me. But why are you angry with me ? Or are you insulted by any one for all this and you are not able to forget that ?  Or am I irritating you so much that you don’t want to reply. Then just say “I am well” , I will stop. or Are you in love with me or what 🙂

    I already said sorry. What else do you want me to do ? I am swallowing my pride and asking you. I need to know your well being. I cannot be in peace. I keep on telling my self that you are surrounded by your family and money and so you are & will be fine. But when a worrying thought comes, it is just killing me. We don’t need be friends or anything. But is it so difficult to be cordial ? Can’t we just pass this on like adults and be civil ?

    Yes they are confusing times where I wanted both Yes and No. And you are not easy to understand. See, I don’t stay back in school and so really I don’t know what kind of talks happen. Next time i will know when and how to leave silently without creating any ripples at all. See, I learned something out of this. . 🙂

    I saw how kind and warm you are with others. Why so cruel to me? I don’t want any explanations from you nor I have any expectations. I just want a closure that I did not hurt/harm you in any way and in case I did I want to know that you are ok now. Be on linkedin if you dont want to reply to me. 

    my logic is simple. say if we met 10 new people on average per year by now we would have met more than 100 people. Why we get attracted to that one person, I dont think there is any logic for that. From my understanding- to like each other, to be un-attached, to want same things and to have same values, at the same time happens .. may be to one in a hundred. So if some one rejects that does not mean there is some short coming. Atleast I don’t feel that way. At the same time there is no way we can make someone like us. Also in India we already tuned ourselves to share our lives for money, society, status, family, religion etc which means we are already tuned to threw away these kind of feels and live happily. We are raised to accept all this.  Just have heart and say – all is well.

    I cannot look at your social media because I feel it is too much of intrusion in your personal space and I don’t think it is good manners to look at some one’s personal space after got blocked. I cannot ask any one from the school, I just cannot and it is not in my nature to probe.  It is tiring for me to carry this burden. Usually people who are happy are ready to forgive easily. That is what my worry  –  What can’t you get yourself to forgive me? 

    I want to cherish your memory with out any guilt or worry. See when you are source of this and knowing that there is something bothering you how can I make you as memory and move on.  How much ever I convince myself that you have the right to choose your mode of answer, some times your silence makes me feel worthless. 
    –B

  • In my personal opinion I think it would only aggravate the situation as him closing it down I would assume implies he is trying distance himself from specific people. Asking if he is in love with you with the context of the situation I would imagine would make him more agitated.

    I personally think it is wiser and healthier for you to find these answers about things like attraction through other means if that is the main thing you are after from him for the closure as you mentioned. Because right now it’s almost like if you were an animal you find another fascinating for whatever reason as it seems “different.” Instead of trying to chase after it and tiring yourself out as you wander through the forest aimlessly trying to get answers it may be wiser to simply evaluate that trait in general that you are fascinated with.

    Just for some insight, you wrote a part about usually if people are happy then they forgive easily. I am not him, but I have written some pieces for example about forgiveness where for my personality when I decide to cut people off then that is it. It has nothing to do with being happy as opposed to a choice through life experience. Exaggeration, if you put your finger into the electrical socket and get shocked where this happens every time you do it then you are simply going to stop correct? You would not do it again knowing full well what the results are highly likely going to be. There is a chance it won’t shock you next time because maybe the power dies but like there it is all logic based as opposed to emotional.

    So that is just an example how if this was me you may be extremely over thinking the situation when you don’t need to I feel. Instead you can simply focus on those points that you are fascinated with. I don’t feel like you really need him for those answers as this is more of a self-discovery bit in my opinion.

  • “it’s almost like if you were an animal”

    Really a slap. I think you are right Alan. I will not send him any msg. I have doubts, that is the reason I posted for your opinion. But then I thought after almost 7 months of silence and being concerned about him, it is ok. But I have to say, what ever is the case, it is really disrespectful to block some one. If I am bombarding him with msgs I can understand. 3 mails/msg in the last one year (for that msg he blocked me). Anyways, let life bless him with best of everything and I try to make my life as joyful as possible

    Bless you Alan. take care