Reader Questions

He broke up with me, I don’t know if it’s final

pisces man confusing

Alexandra Asks:

Hi Alan and all,

I’ve been in a relationship with my pisces boyfriend for 5 years. Lately we were long distance (Germany for me, canada for him). When he left Germany in August 2018, we were all about me coming to Canada as well, we were on the same page about that. (I was waiting for permanent residence)

Since he had moved to Canada, we talked everyday and multiple times a day. He was back in Germany in November, we spent two great weeks together. When we had to part again, he asked me to stay (but I had to go to work again), told me how difficult it was to be alone in Montreal. I told him it was difficult to be alone for me as well. When he was back there, we resumed to talking everyday.

At the beginning of January 2019, I had news from the immigration for Canada, saying that my file was in final examination.

When I told him he seemed quite happy, said it was a good news. And then, to or three times during the month, he asked if I had more news, if I was looking for a job etc and I could feel as if he was stressed about our reunion, the fact that everything we had been waiting for was going to be for real soon.
I chose to trust him and trust our love and not address the fact that I worried he seemed stressed about it and not so happy about it anymore.I thought we would talk about it again when I get the visa for good.

On the 30th of January, he told me he had been thinking about the future (at that point he had starting crying) and had the feeling we were planning our lives independently (???) from each other, that I was coming to Canada permanently when he did not know if he would stay there (???? he has a job and is applying for the position for next year, so why say that ?+ it’s not what he told me before about his future plans).

I told him that i did not understand, i did not plan things independently. But i felt like he did not want to live with me and he said ‘maybe not’. I was in complete devastation. I can’t really remember all of the conversation but then he said that after five years, he’s still asking himself questions.

I tried to remain calm, he was crying heavily and I said that if the perspective of us reuniting is stressing him more than making him happy, then something was wrong. He repeated that he didn’t know if he was making a mistake or not. I told him that I love him, that I want him to be happy.
And he just kept crying.

Then I started saying that I think that when you love someone, you know and that i deserved someone who was sure about me. He just kept saying ‘I am so sorry’, crying, not really answering. He said that he would “let me know if anything changes”. When we hung up, he said “i’ll talk to you later” and i said “when?”, he answered “whenever you want”, i said the thing is I am going to want to talk to you everyday.
At that point we were both crying heavily, having stomach aches. Then we went on talking and the sadness was overwhelming, I told him I would go through it if it was over but I would never find someone I love as much as him. I had only his cries in answers. He finally said how much he cared about me and we hung up.

This was 5 days ago. I did not reach out for him and he did not contact me either. I am truly devastated and I would like to ask you if you think this is a final break up ? Is it possible he was feeling pressured about me coming to Canada (plus I kept talking about having children lately).
I want to talk to him everyday and I can’t imagine living without him. I’m a mess and this just does not make sense with our previous history. he also pointed he had no other romantic interest and felt very lonely (but this is something we often talked about and I thought that it was good news that both our lonelinesses would end with me getting permanent residence soon).

Sorry for the long post, I hope you can share your opinions
all the best,
Alexandra

Alexandra,

From reading what you wrote I guess the main point is it’s not genuinely normal I feel where if the bond was as strong as it was painted and the plan in moving forward to be together was progressing he should realistically be very happy. So the logical factor would be something isn’t 100% pure here. I can only go with one of the key points you wrote where when you got the good news about the immigration he started to ask you things such as if you were finding a job. On top of the point where you stated that he wasn’t sure if he was going to stay there.

So one plausible example would be while he genuinely cares for you he is say failing in his professional life while in Canada. So imagine if you actually arrived and was actually in a better position than him professionally and financially where you were perfectly capable of living there on your own. Now imagine for some reason he has to move back when you did all this work largely for him. I bet no one would feel good about that and would want to break it off per se.

The other point that is sticking to my mind is the comment how you told him that maybe he didn’t want to live with him and he said “maybe not” as an answer. If I was coming from the mindset of “you are the one” there is no way I would say that. To me that likely means this relationship and your commitment to move to Canada basically pressures him to say marry you (I am just exaggerating to make the point) when he realistically doesn’t see himself marrying you for whatever reason.

I wouldn’t be surprised for example where if what he really wanted to say to you was if you were moving to like Canada and such then be sure you are doing it for yourself and not for him because he isn’t at that state of mind where he sees you as the one. So in caring for you he doesn’t want you to go through all this just in the end to find out that he say doesn’t love you enough to have children with and to spend the rest of your lives together. To me this would make the most sense with everything you wrote.

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  • Hi Alan,
    Thank you for your answer. As much as it breaks my heart, I think I agree with your point of view. The only thing that to me does not make sense is that it’s basically a change of heart on his side. But it does seem awfully final.