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Asks A Pisces Man Mailbag – January 20, 2014

pisces man generous

Kay Asks:

Before you read this I just want to say it is a colossal wall of text and I really didn’t intend for it to be this long but if you read the whole thing I really really appreciate it! ;a;

Okay I have been interested in this pisces guy for a while now, and I remember looking over your site before when I did some research because I’m a little bit of an astrology dork. Well that was maybe a month or two ago, and I’m kinda confused by this guy and a little doubtful and scared, but at the same time trying to reassure myself with known facts and possible explanations.

So this past semester I met him in my foreign language class (we are in high school, he’s a junior turning 17 in February; I’m a sophomore turning 16 in June, and I’m a gemini girl) In the class after a while I would have little exchanges of words with him and at first I wasn’t really attracted to him because I didn’t really pay attention that much, but yeah they were just little bits here and there and very casual. Well over time I developed a wee crush on him, and tried to talk to him more whenever I got the chance, and like right before I left for the semester we had a field trip for a day in that class. I didn’t sit with him on the bus ride there, but on the way back it seemed fate had placed me next to him after returning to the bus a little late with my friends, and finding there were no two person seats left.

I was fairly happy about this on the inside because I thought, “Now’s my chance!” And we actually had light, friendly conversation the whole way back, and after we returned to the classroom for the last 30 minutes or so of the school day.

I was absent from school for a while after that due to foot surgery the following Tuesday (was the week before our thanksgiving break) and only came back for one day the week after break because it was still too tiring and painful to walk, but on that day when he walked into class he saw me and smiled like he usually seemed to do; and said that he was going to message me on Facebook to ask how my foot was doing but that technology hates him and he kind of forgot. Well like a few days later, he actually did! And that sure brightened my hopes; that conversation was another good one and it actually led to me giving him my number, and we continued to text for a bit until I ended it with a nice goodbye.

So we may or may not have texted a few more times after that, I think I was trying to lay off and not be texting him every time so I waited for him to text me. And I have in my phone back to one text that he started asking how I was doing with surgery (second foot now), and that was a nice conversation that lasted quite a while before I had to go again. We even flirted a little bit during the convo, and actually talked about a possible movie marathon. Unfortunately that weekend wasn’t a good time since my family was still settling into our new place (which luckily for me was his neighborhood) and he was going out of town that week with his family.

So Christmas passed (I sent him a brief merry Christmas text too) and he texted me when he had just returned from his trip. It was another friendly convo but I wanted to know more about him so I asked little questions like hobbies, birthday, etc but he seemed a little reluctant to answer them.. Not necessarily in a bad way though, like he was being playfully mysterious; like he told me only the month of his birthday and not the day, and it just seemed a little funny to me? I mean normally a guy will give me at least a little more than that, but it just bugs me because I really want to know about him so I can get on his good side and stay there.. And I certainly don’t want to get on his bad side accidentally. But I have done my research that these guys like to take it slow, so I just told him I guess I’ll have to trust him.(I also asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me which he then replied “not anything I won’t figure out”) but that convo ended nice again and he actually called me sweetheart when he said goodnight o.o (and also that we would have that movie night soon)

So next time I texted him I asked if he had plans the following night, and he said no so I asked if he’d want to have the movie night then, he said he’d love to! So we happily planned it out and the following night..

He drove over and we started LotR as planned xD (he said he doesn’t like movies in general but LotR is his favorite) he like adores my dog who he petted most of the time, and we sat on different sofas at first but at a certain point I sat down next to him because my dog was there and I started to pet her also. We talked lightly throughout the movie and made little funny comments at serious parts xD At one point we took my dog outside though, and it was freezing so I was cold and forgot to put on any shoes so he actually offered me his which were huge but warm x3 (for size reference I’m like 5ft tall and he’s like 6ft lol) and while we were out there I kept shivering so he briefly like side hugged me and it actually seemed like he was being shy about it, it was cute.

So we got back inside and resumed watching the movie and my hands were still cold so I kept breathing on them a little and eventually we held hands. And I felt a little reassured about how he felt about me so a few minutes later when it was almost time for him to leave, I kind of snuggled on his arm and I could have sworn he like kissed me on the head or sniffed my hair or something.. And I sat up again after a few silent moments of peace and looked back at him kind of shyly over my shoulder, (he asked what was on my mind) trying to urge him to sit up too so I could maybe get a better shot at a kiss angle, well that didn’t work so I told him, “I’m just shy, that’s all”. And I think he put his hand on my back to rub it gently, and at that point I kinda turned around and leaned into him, and went for it. (I remember him licking his lips when I stared at him closely for a moment before, and that’s like a sign I think?) well we kissed, and it was just really gentle and a little brief at first, but then a few more times and at one point when he thought he heard footsteps we pulled back for a moment, but then he tipped my chin with his hand and kissed me some more.

Well he seemed really reluctant to go home, and at the door he leaned down and tipped my chin to kiss me again! We hugged too and then he left with a pleasant smile and goodbye..

The morning after he texted me saying he enjoyed movie night, and I started talking to him but he stopped replying and eventually did to my message asking if he fell back asleep, saying yes he did xD

Well we started to talk again after he replied but then all of a sudden, he stops replying again?.. I decided that if I texted him asking where he went I might sound too clingy and I read that pisces men need their space, so I decided to wait it out impatiently.. Well it’s the next day now, and he hasn’t texted me still? I’m just a little confused.. If he had such a good night with me, wouldn’t he go out of his way to talk to me more? I mean I try to reassure myself knowing that he’s kind of a technophobe and is a bit busy sometimes and that maybe he’s just not the best texter.. But I’m still a little worried. Did I kiss him too early? But he seemed like he certainly wanted to.. Is he just waiting for me to text him first? Or should I just lay off and see what happens? I’ll most likely see him when we go back to school on Tuesday.

I really don’t want to lose this guy, I feel like I have a real chance for once! Any help at all is extremely appreciated!! 🙂

Thank you so much ;v;

-A very love struck and concerned gemini girl

Kay,

One key tidbit from what you wrote that kind of stuck out to me was how he didn’t mention his full details to you such as his birthday. To me that is a sign that the person is for whatever reason a little concerned about you pre-judging them and so they hope you will get to know them for who they are instead.

With that in mind, there is most likely a big part of himself where he doesn’t quite feel comfortable that you like him entirely for who he is, so to speak. I’ll use hobbles an example. If a guy says he plays video games, most likely in this day and age they would get stereotyped and belittled to where a stereotypical person would say “Guy that sits on a couch….such a turn off.” So if you ask him that question he isn’t going to say “Yeah, I play this and that game” but instead will probably be like “I play sometimes.” Consider him insecure at the moment I say.

It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong per se in terms of the relationship and I don’t really read any real conflicts here. If he is like how I am envisioning he is, based on what you wrote then it’s just a matter of trust right now. I would think kissing you when he was uncomfortable about fully sharing some of his personal details with you was a big deal/step to him and he doesn’t know which way to go. The only thing he knows is that he is on a road with so many different paths.

It’s interesting where you asked the question too where if he had such a great time wouldn’t he go out of his way to talk to you more? Speaking for myself, if I was in his position I probably wouldn’t take initiative to contact you more either. However, I would take initiative in welcoming you to contact me. Big difference. You need to be the leader in this situation due to the insecurity.

Lioness Asks:

I have a pisces man in my life that I met back in 2009… he’s 6 years younger but for some strange reason that didn’t matter then our now … when we met there was an instant connection and there was intamacy involved. …. he left for college and saw him I’m between maybe 2 Times. .. when he would come down to visit. …

In December 2009 I let him know that I had started to have deeper feelings for him but he let me down gently letting me know it wasn’t the right time. … I never heard from him again and I sort of moved on. .. I started dating someone months after and I ended up marrying him …. summer 2010 my mother secretly tells me that my pisces camelooking for me and and thinking that he was here for the summer didn’t bother looking for him because I was already engaged. …

my mom told him however that I didn’t live there anymore and to leave me alone. .. my husband and I get married in June 2011 and not even a week later I my pisces at a restaurant when he comes over to say Hello I had No other choice but to introduce him as one of my students. … I find out I’m pregnant in February 2012 and my marriage starts falling apart. .. I file for divorce in 2013 right before my husband moves out I find my pisces on fb and we reunite… he tells me that I’ve been on my mind and he wants to see me and I’m flattered and happy. ..

he tells me that he’s happy I found him and he can’t wait to see me. … after awhile and after my husband finally moves out. .. I feel like I’m ready to see him when he decides to cut all communication with me he even blocks me from fb without an explanation. after a couple of months I get the courage to call him and see what’s going on. .. he tells me that even though he wanted to a friend he felt that my ex and I had problems to figure out and he didn’t want to deal or be part of it. ..

I let him know that he had that day to think about what he wanted with me and to let me know….. he called me that night and let me know that he wanted me all of me… and I quote… I want to be that man that you want. … his words not mine. … after that I didn’t hear from him until about a month ago. … he told me he got a new place and a new job and that he wanted me to go over the following day. . I didn’t hesitate and I went to meet him. … everything was great. … but I haven’t heard from him. … why. …. ….If he told me that he wanted me why ignore me. …should I just move on from this crazy love story. .. or should I continue patiently waiting for him to text or call. .. would should I do….

Lioness,

In general it sounds like he is still confused on what he wants and needs in a mate. You could say for life in general too. For the most part it seems like he doesn’t really have a good grasp of his emotions and what they really mean to him. While being with you unleashes those cans of emotions, it’s something that he wants to receive like a drug while not thinking of say the future. That’s how it sounds like to me currently where it’s like he isn’t mature emotionally yet and these feelings you give him are new and exciting. Of course when reality hits this makes it scary.

What you should do is up to you and how much of your life you are willing to invest in this where it can go either way. Example, you could say he is not “grown up” yet and when he does he may realize that his wants/needs are completely different than what you provide. On the flipside it could turn out like a high school sweetheart story where people grow with each other and in this case he will mature to fully appreciate and respect you in his life.

So my personal opinion would be you need to decide what you want as this is more about you. It’s like saying some people’s relationship killer is they want a person that is ready to have kids now. I think it’s best if you look at the things you want and whether or not he can provide that to you. From there you can evaluate if it is worth your time to invest in this relationship. Don’t forget you have a kid now too. So that is something he must be willing to accept too as an example.

Karyn Torrey Asks:

Hi !

I am a virgo woman and have been fond of a pisces man for months now. We know each other from work. During some 2 months I was pretty sure that he also liked me that way. He was very nice to me, he was a gentleman, it looked like he really enjoyed talking to me and couldn’t help himself from coming back seconds after we were done. I was pretty sure that when he was saying Hi to me, (we kiss to say “Hi” where we are from), he made sure he would take all the time of the world to do so. Also, he seemed to find pretextes for us to work together even though it wasn’t necessary – again it’s my point of view.

He even held his gaze one time when saying goodbye and winked at me another time. He complimented me about how a great person I am. But when I had all those signs and tried to subtily hint back that I was feeling some attraction for him, he would stop completely. When he did that I was so confused and desperate. I thought that he was afraid to go further, because I was with someone, even though he knew that it wasn’t going so well.

I took courage to break up with my now ex boyfriend and told him. He looked indifferent and not affected at all by the news.

That’s when I started to doubt a lot about what I thought was interest from him.

I decided to have a conversation with him and told him that I thought there was something going on between us but it seemed that I was wrong, and I just needed to deal with the situation. So if I acted distant, it had to do with that but not to worry, I would get over it.

He told me that I was a bit direct and that we needed to talk.

One week later, he asked me what made me think that he was interested because he could not understand why I came to that conclusion, because when he likes someone he is quite obvious about it.

As I am a shy person, I couldn’t find my words, convinced myself that I was wrong, that I imgagined all this and over-interpretated things. But as you might know, virgo analyze every single thing, they just cannot help it.

So weeks later, things were back to normal, we are friends now. I know that he doesn’t like to be called by phone that much so I let go of him a lot. But when I do so, he seems to seek back my attention.

Out of nowhere, he complemented me again about my way of being with other people and how the organization that we wotk for needs more people like me.

He asked me to the movies twice and we go there by ourselves (even though we have good friends who would enjoy to go with us). He invited me a couple of times to go for lunch together. When we hang out like that I always have to “fight him” so that he doesn’t pay everything. This week, I was out of cash to pay my tuition fees and without me asking for it, he offered me to borrow a very large amount of money.

I really try to stay the logical person that I usally am and convince myself that he is just friendly. It’s the first time that I am dealing with a pisces man and I don’t know what to think of all this.

Is he just being a good friend? Why would he behave that way? I really don’t get it. Do you think that I should continue to stay focused on our friendship or should I hope for more (and wait for him to make a move) ?

Sorry for the lenght of this message, I couldn’t make it shorter. 🙁

I hope sincerly that you will be able to give me some insight.

Have a great day!

Karyn Torrey,

Based on what you wrote it feels like he likes you but at the moment doesn’t want to associate himself with you with the title of a “girlfriend” and “boyfriend.” I am inclined to say this is because there is something about you in his mind that is like a deal breaker at the moment even though almost everything else seems great. Regardless, he wants to try and get the best feel for you if you were like his girlfriend. Of course no one would admit that.

It’s like he wants to be with you but in his mind he believes it won’t work. There’s a side that says take the risk and try it and the other side says just play it safe and see what happens. An example could be imagine your ideal man must have all the same interests and hobbies as you and at the same time he must love pets. He has everything but the loving pet part which you believe you must have. So therefore, every time you hang around him it’s like that “Why can’t you just like that one thing” sort of deal. Because he seems so ideal in other ways though, you still make time to hang around with him, see how he can be if he was your boyfriend, assess if compromising your pet requirement is worth it, etc.

That would be my personal interpretation of what he is thinking at the moment based on what you wrote on his current actions. To me it makes perfect sense too and kind of matches with that kind of scenario. With that in mind too I believe he knows that what he does can come across as giving you “signals.”

This is kind of tricky in terms of what you should do and so it will be a personal choice. Assuming what I said is accurate, then it would be best to go with the flow and simply treat it as a friendship. While that may give him time to self-assess if he wants to go further, I know for myself I would be prepared to “leave this hanging” forever where I would continue with life with the mentality of “waiting for the perfect one” even though I think most of us agree that a relationship requires compromise and no one can have everything 100%. Example, I would still be super nice and generous to you but I would never take initiative and go up to you and say “I would love to be a relationship with you, but it’s just this” kind of routine due to my more reserved personality.

This may take time as doing this too fast will probably scare him away, but in my opinion for this situation you have to find some way to ask him the question “Is there any reason why you don’t think we can be a couple” type of question. Again, I think this will take some time though as your “friendship” develops. Whether or not you want to invest the time and energy into it is your decision.

Jodi Asks:

Hello Alan,

Happy New Year. I hope all is well. I have been doing a lot of online reading about astrology lately, mainly about charts, sign characteristics and traits, mine and also so I can try to understand the man I’m seeing a little more. He is Pisces, moon in Scorpio, Venus in Pisces and Cancer rising. He is almost all water in the rest of his chart. He has 4 signs that are not water. I am Taurus, moon in Aries, Venus in Aries and Virgo rising. I have 4 water signs in my chart {Cancer and Pisces}. Anyway, I ran across your website while doing all my research and would like to know if you can give me any in-site into my Pisces man. A little back round…

My husband of 13 yrs passed away a little over a year ago. A few months after, I joined a forum site. I just wanted to feel connected to the world, maybe meet people and chat. I have 4 boys and a very busy life but lonely too. At the end of July this man messaged me. He is smart and funny, he makes me smile. I mean really smile, like all the way to my soul smile. We messaged back and forth and then text and talk for about 2 months. After 2 months of waiting for him to say something about us meeting, in Sept I finally got the nerve to ask him out and we met for the 1st time. We spent 8 hrs together and not once did he make me feel like he wanted to be anywhere except where he was, with me. At this point I knew he was a Pisces but didn’t really know anything about it. We have texted and talked everyday since that 1st message. Yet I still feel sometimes like no matter how much we talk, we are missing something. He never asks anything about me, I only talk about me when it comes up in conversation. I feel sometimes like he doesn’t really want to know who I am because he never asks about my life. I’ve learned a lot about his life, but I still feel like I have no clue who he is.

Over the next few weeks if I didn’t ask him out, we didn’t see each other and I also have always had to decide what we are doing when we go out. I have since learned that indecisiveness is a Pisces trait. I try to encourage him to decide and let him know that I am game for anything he wants to do, but even now he still leaves it all up to me, even still the asking out part after 4 months. I feel like if I don’t say anything about seeing him on Saturday at a certain time, then we would not see each other because he will not say something. I said to him once that it would make me feel very happy if he told me he wants to see me and surprised me. He still hasn’t. The only surprise has been that when I suggested we meet at his house for movie and cuddle night he actually said yes, that was right before Christmas. I have since accepted this part of him and just make our plans all the time because even though he doesn’t make the plans he is always ready to see me when I say and wherever I say. Lol. I just feel sometimes like I am pushing myself on him because he doesn’t ask me. We live an hr apart and being busy we only see each other once a week. One time a few weeks ago we went 3 weeks between, due to weather and him canceling once and he hurt me because he pulled away, as he had done before after going 2 weeks without seeing each other. This last time it hurt worse because he opened his online profile back up. {He has since then taken the photo’s down but left the profile up} It is as if whatever I feel we are building means nothing to him, and if I shut it all down now, I feel sometimes like he wouldn’t even care.

I figured out that it is the long time between visits that we both become insecure and tension rises, so I try so very hard to let him know how I feel about him during these long times apart so that any insecurities don’t arise but in the process of trying so hard to make him feel wanted I started to feel unwanted. I give him his space even though sometimes when it takes him 9 hrs to text me back it hurts. I’m busy too and still text him to let him know I am thinking about him and want to know how he is, or how his day went. I show him attention throughout the week in text and on the phone {when I call him or say “I want to hear your voice, call me later?” He doesn’t just call me whenever..} Sometimes I get a “smiley face” or a “Thank you”. But no return of affection, no feeling. If I say “I miss you” it is ignored all together. Sometimes I feel like I’m coming off as clingy or needy, but I’m not. Its then that I realize that he has just pulled away again.

I feel sometimes like I am putting everything into “us” and I don’t even know if there is an “us” because he still withholds himself. We have become intimate and I feel like it is mutual even though I made the 1st move. But I’m afraid to have the “what are we” talk with him because the few times I tried to get serious I felt him pull away, quite literally. I asked him once if he wanted me in his life and saw “us” going anywhere.. he said “I hope so..” He said once that the last time he shared his feelings he got hurt. I have been patient and caring, simply waiting for him to know that it is safe for him to let me in. I am a very patient person, and I’m not in a hurry to cement anything, I don’t know what the future is going to bring, but I want the chance to see if it can bring happiness for both of us together. But after almost 6 months of talking, texting, dating {4 mos.} I feel like he should have figured out by now that I’m not going to hurt him and I just want to be in his life and him in mine.

Don’t get me wrong, when we are together there is no doubt that he feels something for me, we talk and laugh together and even apart talking on the phone.. {I mentioned he makes me smile}, we do fun things and just enjoy being together. He makes sure I have the drinks I like, and turns up the heat because he knows I get cold, and lets me pick the movies. Asks me if I’m hungry and almost always pays. {I’m learning I have to be quick to pay before him, and have beat him to it a few times.. 🙂 } It’s a joke between us now. But when we part company it feels to me like there is a disconnect, like he is there but not there… for about 3 days and then the closer it gets to the weekend and he knows I am going to say something about seeing him, he kind of changes… But again, I feel like if I don’t say something than he never will. I’m the type of person who feels like if there is even the slightest chance, and I care for someone, I will fight for it, patiently and with care of course. He keeps me feeling that chance every time we are together.

It hurts to feel this uncertainty, not knowing what he wants from me or if he even knows himself. It’s as if he doubts me or himself maybe, I don’t know but if Pisces are so intuitive why does he doubt me when all I have ever been with him is real…. I am an over thinker sometimes and when it comes to family and friends, people I am closest to, it is usually emotionally over thinking.. when they hurt, I hurt.. if they are mad, I am mad for them too.. when they are happy, we are all happy and I am happiest because all I want for everyone is to be happy. I’m such a sap.. 🙂

Anyway, I’m sorry, this turned out to be longer than I meant. My main topic is that I am falling in love with this wonderful Pisces man…. I had no intention of falling for anyone, especially someone who won’t even let me know his feelings. I get so confused by his on again, off again behavior and I would just like to know how I can stop this feeling of disconnect when we are apart, stop his pulling away, help him to open up to me….and if there is anything else I can do to show him that I am here and I am not going anywhere unless he tells me to..{I told him that once, he didn’t respond} so here I am, still patiently waiting for him to let me in. But I don’t know how much longer I can emotionally put myself into “us” without getting hurt myself if he isn’t willing to put more of himself into “us” too.

Thank you so very much for your time, and for any in-site you may have to give. 🙂

Jodi,

Happy new years too! 🙂 It feels like the foundation of the in-person relationship started with the notion that he doesn’t want to say “no” and so at first he was going with the flow with the mindset of “why not.” That doesn’t mean he didn’t want to see/meet you but rather I don’t think he was 100% ready but said yes anyways out of like politeness.

That makes complete sense to me if that is indeed the case as everything kind of fits in that regards. Basically, he isn’t ready for whatever reason but at the same time he doesn’t want to say no to you because there are a lot of qualities as a person that he likes about you. Again, don’t mistaken this as him saying he doesn’t want to be with you but rather he simply isn’t ready for whatever reason. That’s something you need to uncover.

I perfectly understand your point of view on how the relationship must feel so one sided where it’s like you are always talking about yourself and not say about him. Don’t take that as a negative though I think. Even for myself I listen to people a lot and people say the same thing where because I don’t ask them anything that it somehow means I don’t care or are disinterested in them. That just simply isn’t true. Funny way to think about it, I often hear women say they hate it when men never listen. Well, the person is listening here. 🙂

My personal theory at the moment, based on what you wrote, is that he feels his support to you makes you happier and for whatever reason him telling you his issues is something you cannot handle. Hence, it will make you sad or depressed which kills his want to make you happy. As an analogy, think of it like the parent telling a five year old child that they can always come up to you if they have a problem and you would be happy to listen and try to find a solution. However, if that same parent has a personal issue there is no way they want to bring that up to the child as they don’t want to add stress in their life. While obviously you are both adults, that is what the situation sounds like to me at the moment in his mind.

I am almost willing to bet too that he has at some point revealed or mentioned to you an issue or challenge that he has in life which is directly related to him being in a “not ready” mode due to the reply you gave him. For whatever reason, he interpreted your response as indication to him that you don’t have the interest or strength to help him with his challenges in his life as it will simply make you sad. While he may not have said outright ”I need your help” I know for a person with my personality that is a big way on how we judge if we can open up to you as we will do it indirectly. Even for myself, if I feel the person doesn’t have the energy, strength and desire to say assist me with whatever challenge I may have then I will turn into the mode of I will be there for you but won’t bother you with my life details kind of scenario.

You just have to be very observant of what he is really trying to tell you in terms of his life because he most likely won’t mention it directly or bluntly ask you to say listen or help him. You just have to be intuitive and just jump in and say “I’ll help you with that” or “tell me more.” So if you want him to open up more, try to think back carefully on the things he has told you. Even if you think it is a minor irrelevant detail it could be something big. Example, to you something may just be a painting but to the other guy there is probably a huge backstory to it.

Sarah Asks:

Hi Alan,

I know you’re busy so I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, although I’d like an in-depth answer because I want to put this and him to bed. Well, not him because it didn’t end up that way but y’know what I mean.

I’m 20, (Taurus, with a lot of Gemini rising qualities) and he’s about 23 and I was in my first year of law school while he was in his last. He was also our student society president so he is really charismatic (in a frat boy kind of way), and despite what I originally thought, a really nice guy. I had NO IDEA he was interested in me. All I knew was that he helped me in an awkward situation in my first week, (while giving me this sizing up look) and although we had spoken he’d see me and never look up or say hi. I’d feel and then see him looking at me from across a hallway, bar or street but when I looked up to say hi he’d be looking at the ceiling. I just thought he was looking down at me because I’m fairly confident for a first year, so I thought he was judging me. (I’m fairly slow to pick up when guys are interested or even checking me out). I even asked him about something really casually because as far as I was concerned there was no way he was into me because he had always been so nice, but polite and almost formal with me. This went on for about 6 months. Later on my friends would even laugh at me because they thought I knew he was doing it, he was doing it so frequently it was obvious.

One day I was walking to class with a friend, laughing and showing off a little when I turned a corner and saw him doing the same thing with a group of friends when we made eye contact. As corny as it sounds, time stood still because he was staring at me with this sort of slack look on his face and everything sorta just went “click” in my head and I couldn’t look away. So all those times he was ‘judging’ me he was looking or even checking me out. I should point out, again that these looks had been going on for about 6 months already. His friends eventually called out to him three times before he looked down, red faced and muttered “shut up”. So began me trying to lob soft balls at him to see if he would whack them out of the park.

A few days later I walked into his office and asked for a pen, he was surprised and I think I may have even seen him fumble with it and the look he gave me. Maybe my instincts go, “Yeah…I’m picking up on something”. I’d walk past and he’d say hi even if I looked away first, but if I went to speak to him around his friends, even for a totally relevant question he’d do this weird thing where he’d talk louder, call me Bro or dude while they looked at us either laughing or confused. Whenever they’d see me around campus or outside it they’d give me this look or even nudge each other. If he was with them he’d look off into the distance and in one instance cross the road to avoid me. He’d always find me in a room and look even if he was on the phone, even if I was just walking past his office he’d still manage to stare. If people could have intercourse through eye contact, we did it.

So weeks went by where we’d say hi and smile, now he’s a nice guy and well known so he probably smiles at everyone or so I thought. But it felt like that type of smile. His eyes would get all soft and he’d know because if I try to say something witty I’d end up staring and looking pathetic when he’d open doors for me after hours, but then during the day he’d greet and then look away quickly at a memo. I added him on facebook, something that made me cringe because to me that constitutes chasing and I’ve been told to never, ever to do this. He accepted but then he has many friends on there so it meant nothing.

Me being so completely stumped was unnerving because it doesn’t happen because I’m fierce in a moot, in a debate or when asking my lectures questions. But I’ve been told that girls (mainly me) need to tone it down, way way down because no one wants to sit through a deposition or cross examination. I’d see him at social events and he’d ignore me, ie won’t speak a word but he’d be staring at me all night and when I look up he’s looking at a spot beside my head or at the person beside me. Then if I decided to ignore him he bumped into me, I honestly have no idea if this was intentional but he smiled cause I saw who it was and looked down. If I then went anywhere near him he’d turn away grinning despite always being within sight, all. freaking. night.

On the last day of the semester I decided to do something because I was fairly certain he was atleast attracted to me. He saw me, said hi but told him I’d drop by later as he was busy. He watched me like a hawk all afternoon and when I went to him he told me he had to send this email and started fiddling on his ipad and frowning deep in concentration. I asked his advice on another student who was stalking me and had gripped my arm forcedly (long, long story), he put his things aside and listened intently. Was there anything I could do or do I have to wait for this guy to get violent etc because right then it wasn’t enough for harassment etc. He seemed to relax and started telling me to tell him to “fuck off” (literally the first time I heard him swear around me) and then I just casually dropped into the conversation “Are you married?” he frowned and answered no. It was meant to be a joke because I know I appear to be a bit of a hard ass and I know I intimidate a lot of the guys at law school.

I then asked him if he had a girlfriend, partner… he didn’t answer but started to look a bit agitated. He shuffled in his seat, looked away frowning and letting his hair fall into his face.

“Uhh…Y…No….it’s complicated”.

I didn’t stick around to pry because I didn’t think it was my business, I thanked him for his advice and left feeling like he was really, really uncomfortable. I forgot about it and thought it was just a case of him wanting to have his fingers in more than one pie. But, I saw him a few days later at another social event and it was awful. We’d keep making eye contact and tearing it away. One of us would enter the room and we’d booth just look up, it was mortifying. He was still staring, but more than before and he straight up ran away from me! I could feel his eyes on me all evening and the worst part was I couldn’t help but look at him. He was always within sight, like always facing me despite talking to a group of people. I stayed for a reasonable amount of time before leaving.

Three weeks later I learnt he’s moving away and going to Europe for a year or so and no one as far as I know is aware of a woman in his life. Although, I have a feeling this guy isn’t as full as bravado as he appears to be. My question is, did I do anything wrong? I mean this was the first time in like 4 years I was this attracted to someone, I was completely irrational (something I don’t like and try to avoid) and confused. I don’t really date because I’m focused on my studies and it’s basically my life. This whole thing had been happening all year and most of it was him watching and being nice, until that look. I was definitely into him, I’ll admit quite a bit but was I too pushy? Did I scare him off or was he just not interested in me because it sure felt like it, either that or I’m extremely delusional. Because I could’ve sworn there was something there, like when we were alone or making eye contact it definitely sparked something because we both flirted and….argh I just don’t know.

I want to forget about this because it’s not rational and it’s going to lead nowhere but I can’t stop thinking, was it my fault or was it just a case of me not knowing what the hell was going on in his life?

Sarah,

Based on what you wrote it sounds like your presence with him weakens his “status” and for whatever reason this is really important to him. An over the top example would be this tough macho guy who you would envision can never be broken and is feared by everyone. However, there is this one “bookworm” girl that gets him all mushy and if people see that it will destroy his macho persona. So he will stare and admire, but the thought of what that would do to his status will make him run away.

Now you say for example you are the intimidating one. So I think for this scenario my thoughts are it’s kind of like he is the “popular guy” who is in a “leadership” status and all. Basically, being with you and seeing how you are “intimidating” would mean it will look like he gets bossed around by you which wouldn’t work in regards to him earning respect to his peers. As well, having to constantly answer/address people’s remarks of like say “Who wears the pants in this relationship?”

Assuming that is true then that explains everything to me personally as it seems like he has carefully crafted his image based on various decisions. While he may be attracted to you and all, he is terrified for whatever reason that pursuing you will distort his current life direction.

How that relates to your question if you did anything wrong, I personally don’t think so. You could argue that asking him the questions if he had a girl in his life was going too far, but I personally don’t think so in this context. I would be inclined to say that by doing that he now confirmed to himself that you are interested in him. It’s now just a matter of him deciding if he wants to take the plunge. You can do stuff to help with the process, but that is up to you as it is a time investment.

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  • Hi Alan,
    I just wanted to thank you for your insight. Here’s an update, the pisces guy has gone treking around Europe for the year and I’m just writing it off as not meant to be. Which is a shame though, so much chemistry.