Ask A Pisces Man Mailbag July 26, 2012

Carrie Asks:

Hi Alan

I appreciate your honest assessments on your site. I have never been attracted to a Pisces. A mutual friend has introduced me to one and we have had a handful of encounters, very relaxed and impromptu meets. We can talk for hours and for me there is chemistry. He has said he likes me but is not ready for intimacy. He opens up but then retreats and it will be days or a week before he initiates contact again. I have told him we can go slow, just friends and see what happens.

The reason I am writing to you is I recently had a blind coffee date with another gentleman. Incredibly as we were leaving the cafe there is my Pisces on the street with a mutual friend. I approached and it was quite awkward. The mutual friend rattled on nervously and my Pisces never said a word, just stone-faced.

I am not sure why I feel bad but I do. I like him very much and suspect I may have inadvertently hurt him, although there are no commitments between us at the moment. I am unsure of my next step. Do I reach out to him, or give him the space he seems to be asking for, and see if he initiates contact with me again.

Thx much

Carrie,

Maybe it’s just me, but from the way I am reading the situation and what you wrote it doesn’t sound like you hurt him per se but rather embarrassed him as a result of the situation. Based on what I am reading here too though it sounds like it is mostly his own doing as opposed to what you did. For example, it sounds like he gave you this speech about how he doesn’t want to go too fast in relationships which you accepted. Maybe he was was pursuing a relationship with that other friend and so when he saw you it is kind of embarrassing which would explain the actions here.

I guess the analogy would be a person telling you they are injured and can’t go to work for days which you fully accepted and trusted. Then when you went out to a club or something that night and you just happen to see him dancing his head off on the dance floor. Like that you can say it would be an awkward situation. If that is the case the odds of him being upfront is kind of slim. I would be inclined to say it’s better to wait and evaluate his actions as in a situation like that the guy will usually only come out once they feel enough events have happened to drown out that particular moment he wants to hide.

It also depends on how serious you are in pursuing him too I suppose as if this is a long term thing I would imagine some background check would be wise to see if this is a common thing where he tells people one thing yet you see the opposite.

Yaren Asks:

Hey Alan,

Thanks for replying !

After all that, we got even closer. He asked me if I had feelings for him, so I was straightforward and I told him how I felt. He didn’t seem to mind. Things were still good, but then my sister lied to me and I believe. I confronted him for something he didn’t do. He ignored me for 3 weeks. I sent him a message every week until he replied. After the 3 weeks, he replied with lyrics. He told me he was never upset at me and that he only gave me time to think.

We spoke about his problems like nothing happened. Then on the day we started speaking, I found out he had a girlfriend ever since we started speaking. When I asked him about his girlfriend, he asked if I was jealous, and when he realised I was, he laughed. I told him I found out he had a girlfriend even before we started speaking, then he changed the subject as if he was embarrassed of the topic. I didn’t stop communicating though. I messaged him every day, but he was acting cold. I finally decided to give him space and I waited a few days until I messaged him again.

It seemed as if giving him space enabled him to recharge because when we started speaking again, he was happy again and wasn’t cold. He started calling me names like ‘my dear’ and ‘honey’.

Also, he has known his girlfriend for 8-9 years, but she doesn’t know his past. He has told me, but not her.

I really don’t understand why he’s like this. He seemed interested, but he has a girlfriend. He told me about his past, but not his very own girlfriend. Am I just a close friend to him or is there more?

Thank you very much, Alan ! 🙂

Yaren,

Similar to last time it sounds like he is interested in you. However, I would be a little weary if he has a girlfriend and is being this flirty with you. For example, maybe he is having relationship problems where the fire isn’t burning like it used to and so at the moment you seem to be a better choice for him emotionally. I don’t think you would like that for example if you were his girlfriend and he was doing this with another women.

This is a personal choice of course, but if I were you I would try to simply be the friend in this case and ask why he is telling you stuff that he isn’t telling his girlfriend as you mentioned. From there you can better find out what his motives are in telling you this such as if you are just the temporary battery for him or if he is simply trying to pad you up with charm to get something that he wants from you. Also, just to throw it out there I don’t think you really know if what he said is true in terms of him telling you things that his girlfriend doesn’t know. There is a chance it is just made up to win your confidence in him for example. That is where it requires you to do your due diligence on him if you are serious in perusing him.

Kally Asks:

Hi,

I have a question about a pisces male that I have been in and out of love with for seven years. To quickly summerize… I’m a Sag woman, seven years ago we starting dating, we fell in love very quickly and very intensely. A year into our relationship, he broke up with me. I found out later that he cheated on me and was dating the girl.

After they broke up we ended up having a very on again off again thing for about a year. Sometimes just friends, sometimes more than that, but always staying in contact. We decided to get back together, it lasted only a month, he freaked out and left. A year later he came to me saying that i was the love of his life and he wanted to marry me. We got back together. I entered it with hurt feelings and trust issues.

Because of this, my behavior was crazy and I ended up pushing him away and out of my life after about six months. Six months later we started talking again, being friends, hooked up once and then walked away. So now, in this on again off again – what’s going on here thing, a year+ later we ran into each other and decided to have lunch.

Lunch turned into hanging out for seven hours. We ended up kissing goodbye. We hung out again, spending the entire day together once again. This time him not wanting to kiss because he doesn’t want to start a relationship with me again because the always end badly (he’s said similar things in the past and then went back on them).

I understand what he’s saying, but I also know that I’ve changed a lot and he has too. I guess I have a feeling things would actually work this time. Maybe I’m wishful thinking. Regardless, I like having him back in my life and I am considering being friends only with him for the time being.

My question to you is, why all this on again off again thing? And is it really off for good or is he just giving me Pisces wishwashy hard headedness? If there is still a chance for us, how can I win him back? I really do believe we are the love of each other’s lives.

Kally,

The first thing that came to my mind when reading your mail is whether or not to a certain degree this relationship is thriving more on the notion that people want what seems like they can’t have and so then it turns into like a sport of sort. Similar to like a guy being more passionate when he knows he has competition in trying to win over a girl or say a girl going out with the “bad guy” because she thinks she is the one that can change him.

To me that would make sense in this scenario. It’s almost like he takes himself away from the relationship as it isn’t giving him he thrill/challenge that he needs to excite himself and so he tries to find ways to cope with it. If that is the case it does kind of fit I say on why it seems like everything happened so fast and intensely only to then have it die fairly quickly. And as you said, finding out that he was dating another girl.

If you are trying to pursue him and assuming this is all accurate, in my opinion you need to learn when to be there and when not to. Think of it like this. Imagine he is the sun and you are like a solar powered flashlight. Moments such as accomplishing a goal, taking a risk in something daring or even competing against something is what recharges him. The thing is, I don’t even think he understands himself entirely nor has he found the stable outlets he needs in his life yet that he can rely on to consistently recharge himself to enable him to shine bright.

So while you are shining bright from his presence, his energy is draining where he then suddenly needs to find a way to recharge himself. However, often in this situation the girl will constantly hound the guy when he is trying to find an outlet bringing up topics such as “What is wrong with me that you don’t want to be with me” which just makes things worst. When I say outlet I don’t mean the guy needs to see another women. I mean more as in maybe he needs to like play a competitive sport or feeling the success of solving a crazy puzzle.

With that in mind I think it ultimately comes down to you and your preferences. Some may argue that like in this case you should be the main thing in his life that fuels him. Example, the notion of waking up next to you and seeing what adventure and challenges you two will embark on is good enough. I say most of this in a general way too as I don’t know exactly all the trials and tribulations you two have went through together.

But again, it seems like to me he needs to find some proper outlets. Maybe you can find a way to be that for him too. Even with this example, the simple act of stepping aside once in awhile and making him hungry for you can do that too. Based on what you wrote it sounds like you two still have it on the back of your minds that maybe there is a chance still. I would say too that in this case the simple answer to winning him back if you choose to is to find natural ways that you can stimulate him so that he recognizes being with you will provide him with the outlets that he needs and more.